We’ve Got It All Wrong: Attention-Seeking Turned Around

Let’s turn our negative assumption about needing attention on its head

Girl with blonde hair wearing sunglasses and a white feather boa.How often have you heard someone say, rather derisively, “Oh, s/he’s just looking for attention!”? There is an implied understanding that this is not good… that somehow the person in need of attention is too needy, or inappropriately needy, or perhaps even that their need is wrong, or not real.

We might even feel an implication with this statement that the person in need should be ignored or punished somehow, so they stop seeking attention, or at least stop the behavior driven by their seeking.

Do you know what I’m talking about? People label “attention-seeking behaviors” and proceed to respond to those behaviors by ignoring them, or getting upset with them.

There is something inherently wrong with this negative implication surrounding attention.

Imagine you are in a shop and you see the perfect house plant for your office. You’ve been looking for something for that one corner for a while, and this plant is absolutely perfect. Excited and pleased, you buy the plant and bring it to your office, only to discover you were absolutely right! It’s just the thing for the space!

Then you go about your business, doing your job, going home at night, and within weeks the plant starts to look droopy. You might wonder what’s wrong, but you think, “oh, it will be fine,” and you continue on with your work.

A few weeks later the plant looks like a shriveled, dried up disaster. “What happened?!?” you wonder. You consider taking the dumb thing back to the store, because clearly they sold you junk. But, you know a good plant person, and decide to first ask her to come into your office to take a look.

She looks at the plant, observes your office, and puts her finger in the soil in the pot.

“What is wrong?” you ask.

“Well, your office has no windows, so your plant hasn’t gotten any sun. And when was the last time you watered it? The soil is so dry it’s like rock,” she responds.

The plant that was so perfect is dead, from lack of attention in the form of the right amounts of sunlight and water.

We could up the ante a bit and talk about puppies. If you went out and adopted a puppy, (cutest wittle fing you ever saw, all fuzzy and wiggwy and sweet!!) and brought it home, but then gave it no attention, within hours your house would be a wreck and you would be wondering why you were so insane as to think this was a good idea.

Or, how about your spouse or partner? If I came home from work and my husband was home before me, sitting in the living room watching his favorite show, and didn’t greet me… ignored me… he would be in SO much trouble! Same thing if the situation were the opposite, and I ignored him, I would be in trouble!

When we get home, we greet each other. We hug. We kiss. We ask about the other’s day and tell about our own. We give each other attention. And if we didn’t, our marriage would not be a happy one.

My point here is that attention is a basic need of all living things, and we need to stop thinking about it as “bad,” especially in children. Our children need our attention.

In fact, I would posit that healthy relationships — between parents and children, partners, friends — are all about the quality of our attention!

So, what do I mean by that? Well, there are three components of high quality attention:

1) Good observations

High quality attention begins with good observations. It’s all about noticing the small things…downcast eyes, slumped shoulders, a change in tone of voice.

These are not things we will notice as easily if we are rushed, or sick, or having a bad day. Our ability to make good observations is strongly dependent on our own internal climate, which is part of my case for good self-care and self-regulation, which you can check out here and here.

2) Accurate interpretations

The second step in high quality attention is accurate interpretations. If we are making good observations, are we also making accurate interpretations of the things we notice?

We are most likely to misinterpret things when we have unresolved trauma, or when something we see in this moment is linked in our minds with something else that happened before.

We also are more likely to misinterpret our observations when we are dysregulated in other ways, perhaps feeling lonely, or angry, or overwhelmed, or tired, or even hungry.

Another thing to consider here is the power of an open mind that believes the best. This does not mean ignoring a problem, but to consider as many possibilities as we can, and to make interpretations which honor the highest good in the other person.

3) Respond in a way that meets the need

Once we have made good observations, and have accurately interpreted what we notice, we then have an opportunity to respond to the need in a way that the other person feels it is met.

Let’s think about an example of this process together. Imagine with me that your child has just come home from school. You are waiting at the bus stop, and notice him getting off the bus quietly, looking down at the ground. You know that usually he comes down the aisle giving fist bumps to all his friends and hops down the steps to the sidewalk, a stark contrast to what you just witnessed.

You give him a sideways squeeze, kiss the top of his head, and then ask, “what’s up, buddy? How was your day?”

You notice he is still looking at the ground as you walk and hasn’t spoken to you yet. He kicks a small rock hard enough for it to ricochet off a sign post and ping your ankle.

At this moment, you could be feeling many things. You might be worried about your typically energetic and engaging child. You might be upset that he isn’t speaking to you, and frustrated, or even angry that the rock hurt your ankle. The amount to which those things bother you is likely correlated with what type of day you have had so far and what your expectations are for your child’s behavior.

How will you interpret these behaviors? To honor the highest good in your child, you certainly would NOT assume he was just being a brat. Instead, you might start thinking that perhaps he’s had a hard day, or maybe that something has happened that has upset him somehow.

How will you respond? Knowing your child and relating to him in ways that are appropriate for his age and personality are at the foundation of your response. You might say something like, “it seems like something is upsetting you.” Or, “seems like it’s been a hard day.”

You probably don’t want to focus on the rock that hit you, or the fact that he is not speaking to you. Instead of being punitive, believing the best of your child, and understanding that he is having a hard time, will help you hear and respond to his need in the best way possible.

It could be that this is all your child needs — a bit of compassion and a ready listening ear. It could be he needs time just to be close to you, walking home, and will be ready to talk later. It could be that he needs a hug or time to snuggle together.

Meeting his need will result in the two of you feeling connected. If it all goes as we would hope, you will come through this situation with both of you feeling better. He will feel valued, understood, and cared for. You will feel like an effective parent.

Attachment research tells us that if we give our loved ones high quality attention (making good observations, accurate interpretations, and responding in ways that meet the need) a mere 30% of the time, we will have a secure relationship! This gives us so much room to be human. We can be distracted and miss the behaviors showing us there is a need. We can misinterpret the behaviors. We can respond in ways that don’t meet the need. But if we are giving it our best, choosing to learn and grow, we can repair mistakes and strengthen our relationships.

“Needing attention” is the state of all things, ourselves included. Let’s embrace our ability to meet that need for those we love, and enjoy the deep and lasting relationships that result.

So much love,

~April

We ALL Need to SLEEP: 12 tips for the child with sleep disturbances and the exhausted parent who loves them

Whether you have a child with special needs, or one who just struggles to sleep, these tips will help you get the sleep you both need.

Wide eyed child wearing glasses and a mischievous grin

I’m writing this from the floor of my son’s room as he lays wide awake in bed because we are trying to adjust to the time change. For some, it might not seem like a big deal, but in our home it means exhaustion and upheaval… for weeks.

Sleep has *always* been a challenge for us, and time changes have become dreaded dates looming on the calendar when I know our already challenging sleep issues will be magnified to a degree that makes me want to move to the EU, or at least Saskatchewan, where time changes aren’t a thing.

And let’s face it, even without a time change or sleep disturbances, just parenting a child who has normal sleep behaviors for their developmental age is utterly exhausting much of the time.

What IS normal? You might be asking… well, current research says it’s normal for babies to NOT sleep through the night for at least the first year of their lives. And some kiddos take longer.

Young children have a natural circadian rhythm that leads to going to bed early and waking up early, though there are certainly variations within the norm.

As children grow, it is normal for them to have bad dreams that wake them up… and it’s normal for them to need reassurance and closeness in order to go back to sleep.

It’s also normal for kids not to want to go to sleep at night and to try many different ways to push back bedtime.

Now, don’t get me wrong, none of these things are easy. In fact, they can be exhausting and exasperating! And losing sleep is really hard even when it falls within the range of normal. I will never minimize the experience of the exhausted parent who has no idea when they will again get a full night’s sleep. The struggle is real. Everything is harder when we aren’t sleeping.

Never fear, the tips I’m sharing will help you through normal sleep struggles too.

But the sleep struggles some of us face are not within the range of normal. From night wakings to never (never, ever, never) sleeping past 7am… and actually nearly always waking between 5 and 6am no matter how late our kiddos fell asleep, or how many times they woke during the night, or how long they stayed awake each time… solid sleep is something some of us treasure more than most things, because it has been so very rare for so very long.

And because I am among those who treasure sleep so much, I’ve come up with some tips and tricks over the years to help make it happen more frequently. What follows is an extensive list of all the things we have tried over the years, with varying success, as well as an “ideal” bedtime routine incorporating the things that have worked best for us.

Whether you have a child with special needs, or one who is just struggling to sleep, it’s my hope that some of these things will help you and your child get the sleep you need.

Sleep tip #1: Essential oil

We’ve tried various blends over the years, and have found that if nothing else, it sure smells great!

Our best success has been using a roller and applying it to the bottoms of feet, wrists, and behind the ears.

A diffuser is good too, but they can make noise, which can bother those with auditory sensitivities, and can also wake kids up if they shut off in the middle of the night.

Our least successful essential oil experience was spraying pillow cases with lavender mist or washing sheets with lavender detergent. Both ways the aroma seemed to dissipate quickly, and I’ve found that lavender alone isn’t as effective as a blend designed for sleep.

Our favorite is here: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0727V22DC/ref=ya_aw_oh_bia_dp?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Sleep tip #2: tart cherry juice

This one is a “sometimes” thing for us. We use it when kids are really wound up and need to calm down before bed. It’s not a nightly thing, which may actually make it more effective because it’s a natural form of melatonin.

This is what is in our fridge right now: https://smile.amazon.com/Cheribundi-Tart-Cherry-Juice-Ounce/dp/B004H3V1TA/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=1450XKG0QST7M&keywords=tart+cherry+juice&qid=1552269084&s=gateway&sprefix=tart+cherry&sr=8-4

Which leads us to…

Sleep tip #3: melatonin gummies

Melatonin is definitely useful for helping humans sleep. It’s something our bodies produce naturally, but as a supplement it has side effects, including nightmares, and it’s likely that we should not use it for long periods of time as it may affect our bodies’ own production.

I use it only as a last resort on really rough nights and in very low doses. We have 5mg gummies that I cut into quarters. We only need a very little bit!

When it’s a last resort kind of night, this is what I have cut up in my cupboard: https://smile.amazon.com/Melatonin-Gummies-Size-60ct-Sundown/dp/B00RZPH3ZI/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3S4J2958ZDT7I&keywords=sundown+melatonin+gummies&qid=1552269168&s=gateway&sprefix=sundown+mela&sr=8-3

Sleep tip #4: lavender Epsom salt bath

Our favorite way to relax at night is a good warm bath. Who doesn’t love a good bubble bath? Adding lavender Epsom salts takes the relaxation up a notch, by providing us with magnesium, which calms us down and helps us get ready to sleep.

We love Dr. Teal’s: https://smile.amazon.com/Dr-Teals-Soaking-Solution-Lavender/dp/B00LW1KAYC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3SUTT6J5PPJ4&keywords=dr+teals+epsom+salt&qid=1552269231&s=gateway&sprefix=dr+teal&sr=8-3

And we usually have the bubble bath too: https://smile.amazon.com/Teals-Foaming-Soothe-Sleep-Lavender/dp/B01HIGUUBW/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=GPZIATVGC3BW&keywords=dr+teals+foaming+bath&qid=1552269334&s=gateway&sprefix=dr+teal&sr=8-3

Sleep tip #5: Sleepology

A company called Genexa makes Sleepology… chamomile in tablet form that was really a game changer for us. With the melatonin giving nightmares, we were looking for something else and stumbled across these little gems.

After taking them for a few months, it was like my son’s body adjusted to the routine of sleeping all night and even though he has stopped taking them, our night wakings have decreased significantly.

This is our game changer: https://smile.amazon.com/Genexa-Sleepology-Homeopathic-Sleep-Aid/dp/B01FH99EFA/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?keywords=genexa&qid=1552269376&s=gateway&sr=8-6

Sleep tip #6: SnugBug

The SnugBug is a weighted blanket alternative that was the best discovery ever. Weighted blankets tend to slip and slide off the bed, and once it’s on the floor there is no retrieving it (at least not without waking in the middle of the night).

The SnugBug is a stretchy “bed cocoon” that wraps around the whole mattress. And while it’s a pain to get on and off the bed, it is so completely worth it. Not only has it reduced night wakings for us, my son’s sleep is more peaceful and he wakes in a better mood more often.

You can get a SnugBug here: https://smile.amazon.com/SnugBug-A-Weighted-Blanket-Alternative/dp/B016FZ5W88/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?keywords=snugbug&qid=1552269527&s=gateway&sr=8-2

Sleep tip #7: salt lamps

I know nothing about the science behind these lamps, or whether our air quality is improved by them, but I do know that the soft, warm glow is soothing. It is the first thing we turn on in the morning and the last thing we turn off at night.

Find one here: https://smile.amazon.com/Himalayan-Hymilain-Crystal-Dimmable-Certified/dp/B06XYZBCYP/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=3EWD4TIWEN6AI&keywords=himalayan+salt+lamp&qid=1552269629&s=gateway&sprefix=himalay&sr=8-3

Sleep tip #8: white noise machine

I’ve had at least five different sound machines, ranging from a CD on repeat, to an expensive little thing with a full range of sound choices, to a whooshing air machine that makes only one sound. By far, my favorite is the Marpac Dohm Classic. You pay a little more for this one, but our current one has lasted over two years now and is still going strong.

My son requests this every night if I forget to turn it on.

Not only does it make a soothing sound, it blocks out all the other sounds that super sensitive ears pick up on.

We got ours here: https://smile.amazon.com/Marpac-Classic-White-Noise-Machine/dp/B00HD0ELFK/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2GIHDGAD8DDII&keywords=marpac+dohm+classic+white+noise+sound+machine%2C+white&qid=1552269696&s=gateway&sprefix=maroac&sr=8-3

Sleep tip #9: warm milk

If your child will drink it, warm milk with a splash of real vanilla is a great help with falling asleep.

While hard evidence might be lacking, this age old remedy for sleeplessness remains popular and has been effective in our home.

Milk contains tryptophan and melatonin, which should both relax us and make us sleepy.

Sleep tip #10: complete darkness

I know this one can be hard! I am very cognizant of fears of the dark and the need for nightlights not only in bedrooms, but also in hallways and bathrooms and kitchens and closets.

Ok, maybe not closets…

Room darkening shades, clocks that don’t glow, removal of any screens at least an hour before bed, no other electronics in the room… all of these things help with sleep. Any light causes wakefulness, and makes it more difficult to both fall asleep and stay asleep.

Sleep tip #11: chamomile tea

Another warm drink from my arsenal of tricks, chamomile tea with a bit of raw honey is soothing and helps us relax and fall asleep after a hard day.

I like to use this loose organic chamomile (and the bulk bag lasts forever!): https://smile.amazon.com/Frontier-Organic-Chamomile-Flowers-German/dp/B001VNGN9C/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=293LU0XWZAKWE&keywords=frontier+organic+chamomile+flowers&qid=1552269776&s=gateway&sprefix=frontier+organic+cha&sr=8-2

Sleep tip #12: regular routine

All of these things are most effective when incorporated into a regular routine. On days when we are doing well, our ideal bedtime routine looks like this:

6:30pm lights throughout house are dimmed in winter; warm lavender bath; pjs; cherry juice, or chamomile tablet; brush teeth

7:00pm dim lights in bedroom with shades drawn, essential oil, in bed, read stories

7:30pm sound machine on, and lights out

Most nights I need to lay on the floor beside my son’s bed while he falls asleep (thus, this blog post as we “spring forward” with this hateful time change).

A regular routine preps our bodies and brains for sleep, creating neural pathways that lead us more easily to sleep over time.

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It is important to know that even after all these things and all these years later, sleep still is not perfect for us and probably never will be. But it is good enough. We are not zombies. We do not need to walk around with an IV of coffee dripping into our forearms.

If you are still in the zombie or IV coffee stage, I hope you find these tips useful! What has helped you and your child get sleep?

So much love,

~A

My Top 6 Life-Changing Parenting Books

Close up of roses with the quote “How did the rose ever open it’s heart and give to the world all of its beauty?  It felt the encouragement of light against its being.” - Hafiz

My clients will tell you I am constantly referring them to books… whether it’s parenting, spirituality, mindfulness, self-acceptance, there are so many wonderful books out there!

So today, I wanted to share a few of the parenting books I consider to be most life-changing for both myself and my clients.

I do not yet have any affiliate status, so I am not receiving anything in return for promoting these books. They are just that good.

Life-changing Parenting books

Let me first say that I am a huge fan of Dan Siegel. Like, if I put posters of rockstars on my wall, it wouldn’t be Springsteen, or Hendrix, or Prince. It would be Siegel, all the way.

And I don’t even know if the man sings.

But I do know that he has put together more than half a century of attachment research, along with the latest developments in neuroscience, to help parents rock their roles.

All puns aside, I need you to know that I am not one of those people who reads every parenting book. In fact, when I was pregnant with my first child, I swore I would not read a single parenting book other than “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” because I hated all the conflicting and faddish advice.

And yet, here we are… Due in no small part to the fact that Siegel’s approach is rooted both in hard science and deep love, two things which are arguably the opposite of faddish.

So, with no further ado, my top 6 life-changing parenting books!

Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell

This first one is, in my mind, foundational to all the others. After all, you can know all the right things to do and still struggle to actually do them. In this book, Hartzell and Siegel take time to help the reader think through what it is that could be stopping us from being the parents we want to be. They introduce the reader to the concept of “reparenting” oneself in order to overcome the barriers within.

While dense at times, the information could not be more useful and effective if put into practice.

https://smile.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-Understanding-Anniversary/

Autism Breakthrough by Raun K. Kauffman

This one is for all the parents of kiddos with autism. The thing that stood out to me in this book was not the idea that autism can be cured, though the author claims that very thing happened to him, but that without ever talking about attachment theory, the author’s parents lived and breathed attachment with their son.

There is no universe in which a child doesn’t benefit from parents “entering their world,” and in this case, that idea is applied with love and kindness to parenting children with autism.

I understand neurodivergent conversations, and I am not endorsing this book for the purpose of upholding neurotypical as the only, or even the best, way to be in this world. Instead, I see this book as a guide for helping our children with autism be the best they can be in a way that makes everyone feel whole, understood, and loved.

https://smile.amazon.com/Autism-Breakthrough-Groundbreaking-Method-Families/

No Drama Discipline by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

This should be required reading. I’m talking every parent, before their child is 18 months old, should have to read and pass a test on this material.

Life. Would. Be. Better.

The title is self-explanatory. The information is accessible. The tools are practicable. Whether you have a two year-old or a ten year-old, this information will transform your relationship with your child.

Read. This. Book.

https://smile.amazon.com/No-Drama-Discipline-Whole-Brain-Nurture-Developing/

Becoming Mrs. Rogers by Cindi Rogers

I know this one won’t be for everybody, but for those in the Fragile X community, and anyone who loves someone with FXS, this book will be a godsend.

Cindi Rogers is the mom of two adult boys with Fragile X Syndrome, a rare genetic disorder that is the number one cause of inherited intellectual disability, and the only absolutely-for-sure known cause of autism. She writes with love, transparency, and hopefulness about lifelong caregiving and learning to do life differently.

https://smile.amazon.com/Becoming-Mrs-Rogers-Cindi/

Untangled by Lisa Damour

For anyone who has a teenage girl, or a girl approaching adolescence, do yourself a huge favor and get this book now!

I love teenagers. I used to be a youth pastor because I think teenagers are amazing. They are thinking through things in new ways, with their whole life in front of them. They are planning for their futures, and charting a course for their lives. It is an exciting and critical time.

Right after my daughter was born, I used to tell people how much I loved having this tiny baby and how excited I was to have a teenage daughter some day. People laughed in my face. I’m not talking a tiny chuckle. Seasoned parents guffawed. They told me, “you just wait!!”

Fourteen years later, well, let’s just say it is a bit different parenting than pastoring.

If you need some help navigating these waters, like I do, Lisa Damour is a wise and seasoned advisor.

https://smile.amazon.com/Untangled-Guiding-Teenage-Transitions-Adulthood/

Brainstorm by Dan Siegel

And of course, my list of six books could not be complete if half of them weren’t from Dan Siegel!

Brainstorm is a scientific look at adolescence that also offers practical and transformative application.

Learn why those maddening behaviors maybe aren’t so terrible, and how to harness the very best aspects of this tumultuous time in our children’s lives.

And by the way… did you know that the brain develops more during adolescence than it does at any other time in a person’s life other than between the ages of 1-2? Wild.

https://smile.amazon.com/Brainstorm-Power-Purpose-Teenage-Brain/

No matter where you are on the parenting journey, I hope you enjoy these books as much as I have!

What parenting books have been life-changing for you?

So much love,

~A